You know your creepy when you look at recently tagged facebook photos of girls you want to hook up with and they include prom pictures
woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
I did that thing where I cum for no reason again.
I think I just sold my virginity for plane tickets
yeah my parents were only ten feet away and we somehow managed to do it in five different positions without them noticing
my dad's beating me at drinking again. No matter what i do I can't win.
This morning my mouth tasted like fruit trees, battery acid, and magnums. Transferring schools was the best decision Ive ever made.
i ate a whole tub of butter with my hands last night. don't tell me about rock bottom
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
No apologies necessary. Just give me sex and Pop Tarts, and we'll call it even.
Just used the "Buddy" Poppy flower I got from a veteran to clean my one hitter. "I'm proud to be an American"
The Royals are in the World Series. I've never drank so much in one week in my life.
I am sitting in my lingerie, eating frozen cookie dough out of a bowl, and watching family. My hump day is going great
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
I get so pissed when there is something that NEEDS to be made fun of and you're not here.
Randomize
