I was just walking through Burbank and saw a hobo using solar panels on his shopping cart. We must be in trouble if the hobos are researching alternative sources of fuel...
i just practiced my bj skills on a banana in front of the mirror
its going to be a good night
any plan I had today of being a productive member of society, I am officially throwing out the window.
i lost virginity while listening to candy shop. something in my life has finally gone right.
We're going clubbing with matching soccer jerseys on.
What will that accomplish?
It will accomplish clubbing with matching soccer jerseys on.
So....maintenance found the bullethole.....
We simultaneously blacked out then simultaneously came to then simultaneously had sex with the neighbors. We're definitely meant to be roommates.
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
If you make 120 dollars and I walk instd of drive and don't eat or smoke this week we can pay rent
He's carved the words "SLAM STATION" into his headboard...
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
Now I’m honestly wondering if I took this kids virginity
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
We free pour in this house. Measuring alcohol is for the weak
Can we skype so I'm not drinking alone?
Randomize
