I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
I seriously need to stop naming my lingerie sets after the boys I wear them for. I seriously just asked mom if she put Brett in the dryer
I just woke up and my mouth tastes like I licked the bathroom floor in the last ghetto bar we were in. I'm going to get my mouth checked for chlamydia. Do I see a dentist for that?
I figured out plans for New Year's and by figuring out I mean I've got a sugar bowl of cocaine. Start at 10?
I blacked out after running into my soc TA in the beer garden. came to dancing on the speakers at major lazer and making out with said TA.
Just for future reference, me asking if you're free, followed by a winking face is not my way of suggesting a tandem bike ride.
If your boss lets you sleep on his couch, you don't pay him back by boning his daughter.
My mom just covered me while I peed in the street. I love her. i also love parents weekend.
Btw I don't have words to express my appreciation at how many times you've had to be on a dirty bar bathroom floor for me in the past two weeks
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
Simple revenge plan: break into his house and steal one shoe of every pair
TFW YOU ACCIDENTALLY SEND A MEME ABOUT LIKING ANAL TO THE GROUP CHAT. JESUS FUCKING CHRIST, WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME?
Look, his dick is so good at being a dick that it makes me see God. And I don't even believe in God.
I would go disguised as someone he didn't have premature ejaculative sex with but I don't know if I could stay in character.
he's such a nice guy...he deserves a bigger dick.
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