She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
I have eleven tally marks and an infinity sign drawn on my wrist in permanent marker. Senior bar crawl stole my liver.
I used to not like fucking fat girls but with her gut clapping against her boobs, its like a standing ovation ever time.
Is it acceptable I'm laying in bed drinking airplane bottles?
In our world? Yes, but I'm disappointed yoiu are wasting airplane bottles. Save them for sneaky occasions
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There's a patch of dead grass from where you would notoriously throw up after every good night in July. This summer was great.
I'm in the fetal position watching the little mermaid and trying not to die. When do you come home?
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
You're such a good friend. You send me pictures of your boobs when I'm sad. I will always appreciate that.
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I'm pretty sure I just came a kidney stone..
A German guy asked me to take a bath with him. I can't tell if he's just an eccentric European or a run of the mill creep.
I remember walking into a bathroom stall that had a couple fucking in it and giving them a condom and a thumbs up and then leaving
Fun fact: nipples work on touch screens. Tell your friends :)
I need to take my iPad to the Apple store (when this is all over). Do I need to delete all my dick pics/videos or are they used to stumbling across that sort of thing?
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
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