So I'm eating my burger minding my own business, when the guy next to me starts up a conversation. Seemed normal at first, stocks, bonds, etc...then he said...and I quote "I can push a bowling-ball up a flight of stairs with my tongue." As I awkwardly laughed he broke out "I bet you I could bite the head off of a rabbit."
u know whats better than using ur vibrator? using it w/ jeopardy on in the background and half moaning the correct final jeopardy question. yeah that just happened.
It's a shame that I don't know his last name. Actually, it's an ever bigger shame that I don't know his first name
Step 1: drink. 2: drink more. 3: go for it. 4a: success. 4b: drink more. 5. drink. 6. go for other girls. 7. drink more. Sound good?
So drunk. Washed my hair un pancheros sink cus I was so hot.
Did not foresee holding down food at work today to be a struggle today
So, sleeping with all of my Vicodin in my bra because I knew she'd be searching my room for drugs tonight. I'LL SHOW HER.
Ahh you know it's going to be a long day when you mistake a beer for a sprite at 10:30 in the morning while babysitting
Hearing them have a conversation is like listening to water buffalo have sex. Awkward and scarring.
There are more dirty dishes in my bed then in the kitchen. Have I lost at life?
But it's ok cause then I turned my tequila blanket into a tequila comforter and I felt no pain
As Scar once said. Be prepared! For the shit show of what's coming tonight
You must have my penis confused with someone else's...which is disappointing
Putting a bow on your dick doesn't make it a real present
I was so drunk I asked my mom if she had always been my mom or if it was someone else for a while
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