like i told you yesterday: virgins, blood, my name. do it.
apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
i was so drunk that there were 2 of her, and i didn't know which one to fuck
And she was like "I wanted you all for myself, to love you, and treat you like gold."... See this is why I shouldn't fuck Italian chicks...
He just found another high guy at wal-mart. There now friends. His friend is eating a cupcake
Someone jacked my earrings off me or I threw em in the toilet again
I hate when that happens
apparently we spent 30 minutes inside that big Nike store turning all of their Duke gear inside out. for some reason the employees didn't stop us.
Good point, clearly my love of penis contributed to my torn knee ligament.
I'm hungover and surrounded by children and Republicans. What did I do to deserve this?
When I said I wanted you to make noise during sex, I didn't mean mocking ones.
"There should be some kind of award for sleeping with your ex 9 times in 3 days."
He called my boobs fluffy. Part sexy part pilsbury dough boy. Part sexy pilsbury dough boy. I'm so confused. And flattered?
I feel like my dick pic collection should be archived at the Smithsonian
Did I seriously answer the door for a home delivery of weed from you and your boss while wearing last night's 80s rockstar face paint?
They were so sore! Either I have bed bugs or you were biting my nipples last night and don't lie to me.
Randomize
