my roommate left her license, credit card, and cellphone on her desk. I feel like this is a trap.
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
Well someone named our apartment "the eiffel tower" on facebook check-in so I think they know..
Also what is the name of Americas thing where we had a holy obligation to expand westward? I'm going name my new lighter that.
Are you drunk? Because I am and if you're not, this may be very awkward in the morning
Thats for me to know and you to find out.
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
Then when he got home he face timed me and showed me his balls
He told me that his greatest skill was making White Russians.
Feels like I ran a marathon last night. A tequila marathon.
he couldn't get a boner so he asked me to sing you shook me all night long to his penis. I think it was weirder that it actually worked
well I've taken an Uber to my weed dealers twice in the past 2 weeks so it's going well since I sold my car
Random question, what's John-that-we-had-a-threesome-with's phone number? Don't necessarily need the full number, maybe just area code? Think I drunkenly ran into him last night and now I have texts from a John.
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
After we had sex he gave me a thumbs up... fucking A&M Aggies, man
So...I know we have a conversation later this week. But one of the key things I want to know is if I can specify having my body mummified and buried in Egypt (or at least nearby the Luxor in Vegas). How much money do you think that would cost? Do I need to increase my life insurance policy?
Randomize
