when you close your eyes do you see, that mystical creature will be me.
who is this?
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
I'm reciting my presentation (beer in hand) on the porch to a snowmen audience.
Cops do not care. One just laughed and said "precious"
Thanks, college. Tonight's decisions brought to you by margs in a nalgene.
Told some chick I'm a virgin, on my way to her house as I type this. Debating crying afterwards to fuck with her head.
This is simple. Just sex and high fives. No feelings.
You chest bumped everyone we walked by on the way home... Even girls
Go for it! You're young. Have fun. Be somebody's expensive hobby like Anastasia Steele.
I have a present for you
Like a legit gift, not just me showing up and getting naked
some how during sex we caught an ENTIRE pillow on fire. A WHOLE PILLOW.
I need a life alert for his random dick pics. My heart can't handle that.
I was floored. Like way less concerned with him using drugs than I am with him not believing in evolution.
Finding my pants in the morning should not make me this proud
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