One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
I love how my brain works. It's like being on drugs without the costly upkeep.
kerrys trying to convince everyone in the bar shes a lesbian. cheers to not being the drunkest girl in the room. i probably wont piss myself tonight.
and then she yelled "im going to fuck the next guy that walks by me". so ya thats how i lost my virginity
she chased the tour bus screaming I BET YOUR DICK IS THE SIZE OF YOUR MICROPHONE STAND. i think its safe to say were never getting vip passes again.
Of course she said it wasn't that good, I don't bring my A game to pity fuck the thrice divorced girl from work
If you fool around, take the WHITE sweatshirt off of her first. It's mine, and I don't like your cum nearly as much as she does.
Learned a valuable life lesson last night. It's titled "Tequila: Still A Bad Idea".
I'm putting "buy a bottle of scotch" on my "productive things to do to procrastinate studying for finals" list
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
You gotta have 1 orgasm for me and the rest can be for you. I'm living vicariously through you 😂
Glitter fights sound a lot funner in theory.
What’s the level of adulting when you reschedule a dentist appointment to have a threesome?
ALL I WANT IN MY MOUTH IS A GLORIOUS COCK SMOTHERED IN CHOCOLATE. DICK AND CHOCOLATE; IS IT TOO MUCH FOR A GIRL TO ASK FOR?!
couldn't remember his name. introduced him as 'mr multiple orgasms'
Randomize
