guys i just found a dildo in the laundry room and its purple
whats a dildo? isnt that like a fancy piece of bread?
going to a night class in lingerie so i can quickly go to his house after.
Fucking finally I'm about to die from sobriety over here
My living room is scattered with glow sticks wrappers, sparklers, face paint & beer cans?
It's not as cool looking when the drugs wear off, is it?
The cop was yelling at you as you layed on the sidewalk and you wouldn't take him seriously cause you thought it was some dude in a cop costume.
Her dog trainer Fuck buddy is over here again. She sounds like a squeaky toy and he talks to her like he talks to the dog. I CAN HEAR EVERYTHING!!!
i was giving head the other day and thought of your all penis tastes the same quote and couldnt stop laughing
If by "Are you high?" u mean "Did you just pass out at Genghis Grill walking to your table and falceplant?" the answer is yes.
Can you stop being a bitch and just take some Kaluha shots with me bro?!?
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
sober me is the one who makes bad decisions every boyfriend I've ever had I met sober
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
I'll be wearing lingerie and holding a bottle of bourbon so pick up whatever food you think goes with that
We drunkenly made out once four years ago and then he immediately vomited and honestly I've never gotten over him
You cannot steal the fun of my nakedness. You do not own my nakedness. My nakedness is my sole property and I share that fun with whom I choose.
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