Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
I have a client coming in and there's a note that says she wants her hair to like Elisabeth Hasselback's from the view
that's Oklahoma for you
wait, do i give off the impression that i DON'T want girls to show me their boobs if i video chat with them?
I'm at the store buying plan b and vodka
the cocktail of hope
3 inches of snow, below zero windchill and i just saw a dude in a wrangler with no doors, shorts a beanie and burton snow goggles. God i love college in colorado
We were playing flip cup on the nice dining room table. Losing team had to shamwow the table in between rounds
Apparently I was holding on to a pizza crust for hours last night.
im just laying here pukin in my mouth and swallowing it 'cause im WAY too lazy to actually get up and find a place to vomit. this is my life now.
I just found a tail you can wear naked. Via a butt plug. Who ever said the internet was a good thing?
Dude you chased a girl around the yard and then fell over the curb. Face first. You got up on your own tho so you reached champion status
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
There was a point where you were singing "Friends in Low Places" to yourself while Juicy J was playing so I got worried.
Desperate times call for desperate measures. But he promised me no small talk so that was nice
We found you with your penis in the vacum hose crying softly...
Our son just found our secret Sex Dungeon that is no longer hidden in our basement. He brought his Xbox and the TV down there he is currently sitting in the sex swing playing video games. What do I do?
Randomize
