I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
I either date the nice guys or the assholes. There isn't any in between.
You need to find a taint.
for on dont try to tell me you love me after three weeks of talking, for two if you are going to do that stay away from the song lyrics to a very good country song that you happened to ruin by using it, and for three erase my number im fuckin your sister now
He googled "how long will i be drunk" and just started crying
I just want a box on franzia all to myself. Just me, my wine, my tears, & my self loathing.
I swear this girl is like a Cross between Danny Devito and Anne Heche....the Lesbian Years.
I don't know why people felt they couldn't use the toilet with me passed out in the tub. I shut the curtain. It was like being in another room.
I feel like jumping into a breast pit right now. Like the old school ball pits at mcdonalds.
your love of good penises attached to ugly faces is disgusting and slightly disturbing.
It's been two days. I am still burping up jello. Everything tastes like jello. Everything smells like jello. I am DONE with jello shots.
Any day that has a special name thats capitalized means you need to need to call in sick and get day drunk. That's why they are there.
i may have given a gay guy with a mohawk my number last night that said... "you are straight" omg so glad a whole year til my next birthday... also i hit myself in the face with a car door. nice.
You can either drink his whiskey or be a bitch. Doing both is just mean.
Pretty sure I have a sex related back injury. I'm not sure if I should be proud or ashamed.
I just ordered a five person drink for myself.... Right about now you should start saving me from myself....
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