I didn't realize how hung over I was until I rolled over and the world rolled over with me.
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
i can tell by the sound of your bed that he isnt that good at sex.
I can't believe I had to convince you to not drink butter.
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It hurts to peel the glue off my chest and i keep finding glitter in my hair.
I just wanted to decorate you...
you don't know what its like to have your bartender tell you that you owe him beer money infront of your mother at 3pm on a tuesday
You said my dick was impressive. You thank someone when they say that. My momma raised a gentleman.
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
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currently working on a look that screams, "I'm dead inside, but still trying to enjoy the ride"
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
One. But meh. I upped my age limit to like 29 hoping I'll match with this one fedex guy that delivers packages to my work
I smoked a joint in the bathtub at 8 am then went back to bed
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
We somehow ended up in Oklahoma. Nick's been crapping for two hours and I'm afraid to call a doctor because who the hell knows what sort of stuff goes down in the middle of nowhere. So not a great long weekend really.
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