yo my bday is less then one week away. hope youve found another annoying candian i can lick dairy products off of. also sorry about your loss
i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
There's a hobo dancing by himself. Is anyone going to ask how he got in the house?
don't wear any deodorant. we have to do everything we can to sabotage this wedding
Yeah. My legs are trembling...hard to walk. Feels like a neon arrow is pointing at me saying "just had sex (with not his wife)"
under NO circumstances is it acceptable to fist pump to taylor swift
its not thanksgiving till you and grandpa shotgun beers out in the shed, and lose
I'll just be here. Naked. Eating tots and jello like a muh fuggin G
At what point lastnight did a lens fall out of my glasses and nobody tell me?
I owe a guy a shoe because I threw it over a fence. That is all.
Why do I even exist?
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
new dating motto: let your guard down, not your panties
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
he was making out with her against the stove and started a fire--the thirst literally almost burned the place down!!
The struggle bus has heated seats and stops at Dunkin on Friday mornings so I'll be okay.
Randomize
