Dude I just witnessed a midget touching himself and singing the chorus to somebodys watching me by michael jackson... it kinda turned me on
I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
My underwear smells like fireworks.
He wanted me to blow him while he was playing guitar hero. there will not be a second date
I found her in the bathroom licking her screwdriver off the floor. she said there was no way she was wasting a $6 drink.
It's ok that you're screwing someone else while trying to get back with me, I'm banging three girls while I ignore you.
It was relaxing until your penis crawled in my ear.
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
After owing so much in back child support they should make vasectomy a mandatory
you just cant say you love him and then say you want to fuck your boss
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
I TOOK A FINGER IN THE BUTT YOU CAN OPEN THIS MESSAGE
You have not lived until you've slid down a waterfall fucked out of your mind. Fact.
Looks like a sea otter shaved my vagina. Keep an eye out for me this weekend, no one can see this.
You can't say that. Only if you have peed on the side of the highway in daylight while signing Christmas songs can you say that.
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