our school mascot just walked into class and threw condoms everywhere. welcome to college
I just remember standing in the shower with you eating chips.
somehow we got the entire party to start singing "ill make a man out of you" from mulan. needless to say, that kid had the best keg stand i'd ever seen.
the recent google searches were "were can i buy a porn horse, why does my heart hurt after drinking, and orlando's teen night..." your thought process perplexes me
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
future-me showed up mid trip and gave us a thumbs up.
I think he just caught a duck in mid flight
The straight guy here is hot. He described himself as Christian grey without the money and my vagina fell out of my body
Hey, I'm making progress. I haven't thrown up in a bar while wearing a sweater vest in almost two months.
As he was going down on me, I looked over his shoulder and said "ohh a Christian mingle commercial is on"
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
Cancun blessed me with a drinking problem
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
there is a smiley face on my leg painted in blood
I'm pretty sure that's yours.
I trusted a fart in Toronto. NEVER TRUST A FART IN TORONTO.
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