i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
He's telling me stories about how he made out with a 14 yr old when he was 22. I'm going home.
I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
I think I should receive an honorary Heisman... I mean, I did sleep with two of the finalists
she showed up with nothing but olive garden breadsticks in her purse.
Just realized how many men I've had sex with for the first time in St. Patty's Day past. Currently sending "HAPPY SEXIVERSARY" texts...
I need to stop getting so excited when a guy unzips his pants and its bigger than my boyfriends. I look like a kid in a candy store.
He never answered about passing his structures test no matter how I asked him. He did send a text saying that he would be "pouring alcohol into his head and balls" so I'm guessing he has to retake the whole class.
Yes, yes I will fake crap in his house for you.
i would compare it to sliding down a velcro-covered fireman's pole naked. no more bearded men for me.
We drove through Taco-Bell on our way to the ER
i left you alone for two hours TWO HOURS & when i got back i had to rush you to the hospital because you were covered in Smooth Away pads & drinking the bong water..
I just woke up in his bed.. in a cardboard castle, with a Justin Bieber poster on the ceiling staring down at me, cuddling with 4 empty PBR cans. I win.
On a scale of 1 to i should hide, how deep did i dig my grave?
11:30 and people are pissing in the sink. It's gonna be a good night.
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