dude...i just woke up in ****'s bed!
doesn't he have a girlfriend???
yeah...who do you think woke us up...
Masterbating to gospel music is like god cheering on your orgasm
Apparently getting drunk, buying a guitar from your local costco and walking in to an open mic night is not the same as rocking out to guitar hero...
Remember middle school health class where we used to say that when we lost our vcards we would be on the pill, using a condom, and have had our partners tested first? We were so optimistic.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I automatically know you're drunk now as soon as you start yelling in spanish
Now I'm at the gym and I never want to leave. It's a combo of adderall and endorphins and I don't want it to go away
Please God, is a penis possibly making it to vagina town to much to ask for tonight.
This is what my life has come to. Like, I may or may not have just stolen pizza from the guy I just hooked up with's fridge when I left...
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
I'd say it's his fault for never running us through proper protocol for "catching your RA in the middle of him banging some girl"
Apparently fireball doesn't mix well with my no carb diet
NO BABIES. YOUR VAGINA WILL BLEED WITHIN A FORTNIGHT.
Update: the condoms are expired and Canadians are NOT to be trusted!
Sorry I missed your call. I was in the shower washing away my sins and sweat. Please tell me you want to get drunk as shit later.
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