I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
he left me a 6 minute video of him peeling a clementine listening to justin bieber
Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
Def ran into my elementary school babysitter at the grocery store. Still hot. And she complimented my beer choice. It feels good to still have her approval
Were gonna hotbox in the trunk. I think there's room for another half of a person if you're interested
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
If you do that, i will make all sorts of uncomfortable comments about my nipples being soft
The cop asked you after the breathalyzer what you think you blew and you very discreetly shouted "I'm pretty sure i blew Kyle on the way here "
I should have listened to my dad and mean girls... If you have sex you'll get pregnant and die.
Just don't have sex while watching Home Alone. It will ruin Christmas for you.
Noted. Next time you want to get fried chicken and cocaine.
Ok. That just sounds baller.
While the cops were busting my party one of them said. O you have an Xbox? Do you play online? Whats your gamertag?....
well, i found him passed out on a picnic table two miles away with a lit cig in his hand...he had a rough night
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