I projectile vomited into my sink. Jealous?
Kind of. My puke would have just dribbled down my chin and missed the sink completely.
Ohh that happened after I started to cry.
We sat in your minivan all night in a parking lot pretending we were in the magic school bus going to the sun
he literally just asked me which v neck he should wear tomorrow.
he has 3 profile pictures up and all of them are him riding jet skis
She was so happy she found her sunglasses, that she blew me. Im now randomly hiding things of hers in hopes she'll find them and I'll get a repeat performance.
I just typed 14 shots of Smirnoff into my calorie count toolbar. Then typed pole dancing 1.5hrs into the calorie burner search. Should break even.
just saw a guy driving a atv down the highway in a tux.... only in Iowa...
i can feel the knowledge leaking out of my brain
replace it with alcohol - nature abhors a vacuum
He just showed me how to break a chop stick with his ass.
No sex in the champagne room. The champagne room being my life
BUT I think maybe Thursday in celebration of America we should probably tan and see how fast we can finish everything in the liquor cabinet.
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
I went next door to get a can opener from them. They opened the door shirtless, asked me if I wanted to a smoke a joint with them. Then decided to make blueberry smoothies. But the yogurt in the blender & the berries, got confused when the berries blended into the yogurt and just kept adding more. Only stopped when we ran out of berries.
Randomize
