sexting loses it's worth when you accidentally text your boss.
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
I don't care if he was in that porno. He looked like he knew what he was doing.
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
The condition was that I had to eat her out to Beethoven
Realistically you can't tell me you're gonna put mashed potatoes on your dick and expect me not to get excited
The dog just shocked himself by peeing on Christmas lights, should I have saw that coming?
O was like, nah, fuck 50-50. My version of bi is that i'm 80% gay, 20% drug-addled decisions. Apparently he's straight on hallucinogens.
I am more than mildly offended he didn't screenshot the snapchat of my boobs.
I moved to this city Tuesday and got laid Saturday. Still got it.
You're not gonna like every guy whose dick I put in my mouth
When your guy changes his swinger profile to include you. #makingprogress
I walked in to you guys using a milk jug as a gravity bong
Surrounded by smaller versions of the same
I swear I have some evil slut demon in me when I'm blacked out
Don't we all.
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