I mean I'm basically single. Or maybe just an asshole. Either way.
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
Bathrooms are cool, I think Im just gonna hang out here for a bit.
Chances are I'll be there for your wedding. Camelbaks filled with jack and coke are appropriate attire, right?
12 trash cans filled with water. Beer cans floating in each, 12 ft apart. Dodgeball. Ultimate beer pong.
Rules. We have to wear superhero outfits
I had a dream she was puking on me, but sadly in real life she was puking on me too
Dude. I only took a 20 out the ATM last night. How do I have 83 ones?
You stole from the strippers again. I wish I was ninja like you
I hope you realize that its not me making that decision, but rather the combination of my genitals and sexual orientation
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
It's always awkward in the office the day after your boss sends you a dick pic.
Making a mobile stripper pole for the back of my truck memorial weekend. Is where dignity goes to die
I feel like cursing someone's first born child right now. Like I wanna maleficent some bitch.
I just won 200$ from Bar Karaoke, for singing the "Sailor Moon" theme song, and then the Pokemon theme song, also known as the motherfucking ANTHEM OF POKEMON MASTERS LIKE ME. I HAD TO REPRESENT.
I have never thoroughly inspected the geometry of my nipples until now. How do I fix this?
Really I don't care what we're doing or watching. Your penis spends way too much time outside of my body.
Randomize
