Went home with a 29 year old from the bar. Life lesson: 9 year olds stay up late sometimes
Not really fighting over the same girl. He takes her out to dinner and then I come over and fuck her. We've worked out the perfect relationship.
You were chewing up hot dogs and spitting them out
She just sat there, all alone, with a bottle of booze. And the dog. He even looked like he didn't wanna be there with her.
so you told her it was a 'nam scar? i mean, how old does she think you are.
last night he took my thong off with his teeth... god bless champagne
We had fun with our Indiana Jones role-playing until I whipped myself in the dick with my belt.
I LOVE YOU SO MUCH I'M ON A WILD DICK CHASE FOR YOU. How many lesbians do YOU know that would do that? HOW MANY????
High moment. Almost just passed the blunt to the dog.
next time we make out at a concert please try to refrain from screaming out our hotel room number.. the amount of guys that knocked on our door after you passed out was ridiculous
Heres a quick tip! When getting black out head from your girlfriend dont come to and say "wait... wheres my girlfriend"
Peeing in taco bell cups is part of the fun of going to taco bell
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
Not going to lie, when I looked in the tub I expected to see what might have been remnants of a squirrel.
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