I seriously love my fucking boobs. They are so boobs.
so he expects you to be his vegas whore for the season. nice.
I'm in that akward stage between jailbait and cougar
Did you ever feel like going into a planned parenthood and performing an abortion in front of them?
Umm..who the fuck is this?
Oh shit
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
A good ear swabbing is more orgasmic than sex with him
also I just used a straw to drink the juice out of a tomato b/c I forgot how to bite.
The bouncer was kicking me out and I put up my finger for him to wait while I chugged the rest of my drink..all he could say is "are you serious right now?"
Man, I must say, having known you since preschool, Eiffel-Tower-ing her would've fully completed our journey to brotherhood.
Sometimes crazy just comes naturally. I don't need booze to say that on occasion I feel the need to rip off my asshole and throw it against the fridge to see if it sticks.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Seriously, even though I keep it clean, I could douse it in bleach and set it on fire and still not be comfortable with you actually holding it. It's been in my VAGINA.
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
He asked when the last time I had sex was. I had to look at the clock and respond "12 hours ago"
You tried to pick a fight with a polka band saying that you'd wrap the accordion around their throats
Taco Bell is better for you than cocaine, I promise.
Pandora played an ad for a free trial for an abortion pill if you’ve had unprotected sex in the last 2-3 days and then Lucky came on... I literally am dying laughing
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