Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
I cant yet im literally covered in lube but I will later
It's an "im going to have to shit with the lights off" type of morning
i was drinking at the bar last night with a guy with no bottom teeth, wearing zubas and a polka dotted hat. if that isn't the definition of wisconsin, i dont know what is
Because of his penis, I can't even look at a hot dog
No. I want to vom filet mignon and ziti bits everywhere and my body feels like I ran a cock triathalon. I feel less triumphant and more like death.
playing nyquil roulette. it entails taking shots of nyquil and hoping it doesnt kick in during sex or in public. game on.
I feel like I have heartburn in my nipples.
Thanks for letting me in last night. I was drunkenly sleepwalking.
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
I heard them banging and it sounded like he was trying to stuff a fucking coconut into her
Some rando guy literally just put my shoes on and tied them for me because I'm drunk... Is this what it feels like to be a princess?
I have never thoroughly inspected the geometry of my nipples until now. How do I fix this?
you seriously don't remember..? but then again, you were taking shots by yourself for like 30mins
I'm at this party and a blind kid just walked in and asked "where is the fucking pong table"
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