if you come down to my room ill tell you a secret
sometimes i just want to live alone. my roommate keeps looking at me weird like hes never seen a girl eat plain salt before
I've never watched DWTS before, but this show's got Pamela Anderson, Erin Andrews and Brooke Burke: 3 of my top 10 all time most masturbated to women.
Not cool at all. Last night I organized my condoms by expiration date. I need to get laid.
You dislocated his arm and then bought him two shots to numb the pain while you pushed it back in
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
i have a feeling i am the only one who can successfully pull off the "slutty kentucky derby" look.
it's always good to have a friend that's a hairdresser, a massage therapist, maybe throw in a lawyer just in case, and always have a friend on food stamps
He said I was doing well, so I stopped mid blow job to compliment his grammar. You could say I like intellectuals
one more hour of this work bullshit and I'm off to get high with your cat.
Dude, I woke up with wet dollar bills in my boxers where did you take me???
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
Well obviously we have a ghost in the house who’s taking showers in your bathroom and doing our cocaine.
I'm reading the Hobbit in my blanket fort alone with a bottle of wine... all I need is dungeons and dragons to complete this superfecta of awesome
I’m going down on him like an Oompah Loompah on roller skates.
That makes no sense, but good luck
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