Almost ran you over in the parking lot. You look good
So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
Walk of Shame time yet?
Dude she's 6"2, blonde and on the cheerleading team. I look like Seth Rogen's fatter, unfunny brother. What shame am I supposed to be feeling?
I bought this skirt with every intention to have it wrapped around my tits by the end of the night. So, I'm not a whore. I'm a self-fulfilling prophecy.
i just traded 2 rolls of toilet paper for half a water bottle of vodka. i love college
It'd be a romantic, consensual abduction
Makes Sense, i generally dont want the same person two days in a row. Its like what i pick for supper, i like variety
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
For a second I thought that you were becoming a decent person again. I am glad I was wrong.
There's lube on my homework. #priorities
And by "I love him" I mean "I want his tongue down my throat.
I just saw a raccoon get launched out of a tree by another raccoon. They have turf wars...
I am watching the most amazing drunk person ever. Literally such a trooper that you can put anything in front of him he'll drink it. His latest reason for taking another shot was: well whatever. I'm never gonna get married anyway.
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
the sex is SO much better when he thinks im going insane
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