You know what, matt, a girl is not really that interested in a relationship if she goes down on you the first time she meets you
what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
She got a tattoo in memory of her cat, my attratcion to her is no more.
For once I'm glad there wasn't morning sex. Yes, that sore from the night before.
Theres was an instant understanding between us being drunk on the trampoline at four in the morning and the people walking down the road at the same time
Right when he gets off the plane they're going straight to a party where you're only allowed in with a bottle of whisky and they are given bullet proof vests.
It was honestly like he was directing a porno or something. he kept telling different people to grab other people's boobs, it was all very artistic.
Yeah kinda weird. My grandparents are here for dinner and I'm chilling on the couch close to tripping out on pain killers. My pap asked me how works going and I prettymuch drooled on myself as an answer.
Stop banging my friends. This is getting weird.
Stop being friends with hot 18 year old girls.
I just learned a new drink. Sloppy Ninja. Half Saki Half Nyquil
If you come home soon there's a stripper in the shower. Don't be alarmed
Well we had to pull over on a side street in town so I could throw up while moms were driving by with car loads of kids, I feel like I just performed a lil silent AA film for the childrens
This girl I interned with got engaged today and I'm just like over here taking plan B with my tacos and PBR.
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
I want to have sex in my car again before I put the car seat back in