I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
his logic is that since hes already cheated on her w me its doesnt count
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
I walked downstairs and he was standing in nothing but his boxers with his dick hanging out warming up eggs in the microwave.
I just wanted to let you know that this afternoon I took a piss at the same toliet you drank out of on New Years Eve.
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
I have to stop drunkenly making out with guys just because they're tall or have a beard.
Also while I am being the bigger person I plan on bringing over something strong smelling and/or alcoholic to torture the poor hungover bastard
Is it true if I say your name three times, you'll appear and whore everything up?
That's me emphasizing the ridiculous
I am trying to take a picture of a man in a wheelchair trying to ship a michael jackson portrait
Dude...I slept walked to the free condom bin in the lounge last night. I don't know why.
I sang Seal's Kiss From a Rose to my quesadilla
So apparently it wasn't anything really bad, it's hemorrhoids. Which is the medical word for butthurt. I actually have ass ointment.
I can't open my mouth wide enough to make full use of this snapchate update