Lesson learned: don't hide your vodka in your little brothers toy box.
Haha she couldn't find her dress in the morning. So she left it. How do the hell do I discreetly return that to her at work. More importantly, how did she discreetly do the walk of shame??
watching a depressing episode of spongebob while high is the most depressing thing i have ever experienced
im in an endless cycle of being too hung over to eat all day...then getting too drunk because i didnt eat anything. where is my life going?
I like waking up with a slight hangover cause I'm dehydrated and it makes me feel thinner.
Sex tip #67: Jizz in the eye is very near the equivalent to pepper spray. Not recommended for pleasure enhancement.
Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
thanks for leaving the note with the doctor's recommendations for my lip, they are dissolvable stitches right?
Tonight, a friend walked in and said "oh look at that. Drunk on the living room floor. Just as expected." this is my life. This is my life.
Lets ignore the fact that you want to turn your dorm room into a sex dungeon and focus on the real issues here.
I just watched Matt try to put on a pillowcase thinking it was a t-shirt.
I know we said we never would. But try fucking a fat guy. He put in so much more effort and then made me waffles.
I've just had my first cup of coffee in a month and I moaned at the first drink and honestly I think this is the most sexual expreiance in 6 months
Unless it involves a lot of whiskey, an ACDC concert, and a guy named Juan from the Philippines, then I'm not interested.
I'll tell you all about it in person but let's just say the big dick fairy must really like me right now
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