I dont have enough money in my bank account to buy a pregnancy test. this wouldnt be the first time ive had to steal one either...
just gave a yankee's fan wrong directions to Fenway....welcome to boston asshole
there comes a time in a mans life when you ask yourself, will i fake love for blowjobs? and the answer is always yes
We should probably avoid doing this again, but hey it was a nice one time thing to tell the grandkids about... Hopefully they don't end up being YOUR grandkids.
There's a very real possibility that I'll wake up in your uncle's driveway.
Fuck him for salsa, please. I heard its a good recipe.
I got to explain to the guys at work today how i had no choice but to go to a gay bar because I was handcuffed to a lesbian.
Expect nothing less than me teaching them how to do shots and put condoms on
So if I tell her fire is hot and it will burn her... she's probably just going to keep throwing her vagina at it huh?
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
I'm at the point where I'm more upset that he got to keep my bottle of Fireball than that he stopped talking to me with no explanation
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
I always felt my time would come in the form of a tidal wave of whisky
All I remember is talking the cops into calling us a cab instead of giving us PIs while trying to wake up your passed-out-on-a-bench ass.
Stoner thoughts are the only thoughts I want to have now.
Randomize
