Now would be a great time to stop wondering " Who let the dogs out" and go to sleep
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
We just for robbed for the second time. I believe the only thing I have left to my name is my $75 dildo
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
You need to let him know my only agenda is coke and sadness.
I want someone to sweep me off my feet and you want someone to fuck you on the kitchen table. They're both perfectly logical needs.
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
I have cobwebs on my vagina for halloween. And bats fly out when I open my legs.
Also, the greatest of ironies: I got shampoo confiscated by security while Corey managed to get pot through. MERICA!
That's the last time I send a mass text invitation to smoke a blunt
We can get drunk and battle coyotes
I'm supposed to be at work in 10 min, I just woke up and am 45 min away...tinder for the win
Well, I just puked in the shower in case anyone wants an update on how my day is going
The guy in the cage next to me is having phone sex. His girlfriend is in College Library. Why is my life ridiculous.
Randomize
