i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
Thats the last time I go out drinking with my Irish friends. Two shots of flaming sambucca = bar on fire. I was only trying to high five the barman.
After we had sex, she played this little piggy with my toes
As we walked into his room, he said welcome to the hurt locker. I should have left, but I love that movie.
Fine. Just this once and because its veterans day will I send you a picture of my tits. You're lucky I love this country.
When we were done making out, some guy ran into the room yelling, "I'll save you Brandon! I'll save you!"
How does one chug a beer and swing the bottle at someone in a single motion? This guys a beer ninja man
That guy is like a clown car of sexy. Just when I think I've seen it all, THERE'S MORE.
AND SOME IN THE TRUNK.
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
Just so you know.. If you ever cheat on me, i will cut your dick and fingers off and post them as my cover photo on Facebook. Love you.
We need to get Harry and Lloyd's tuxedos from Dumb and Dumber. I feel like this is a vital thing that is missing from our lives.
I definitely almost just pulled a condom out of my purse instead of money for my dad.
I'm so stoned. We're making Josh's sister bake us brownies. She's so small and pixie like. Her brownies make me cry tears of happy.
The progression was banging a stripper banging an unemployed stripper banging a sexual entrepreneur quarantining with benefits totally fucking whipped. Get it right dude
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