thanks for not screaming that I'm pregnant when that guy was giving me his number.
why didn't you say something constructive like "stop chugging that vodka"?
i just dedicated my kegstand to your breasts
the owner gave me a free bottle of vodka and a 12pack of red bull if i agreed to leave. my drunken antics are finally paying off.
Why is everyone in the bowling alley looking at me like i'm a prostitute just because I have bunny ears on?
I'm still finding big obvious chunks of condom around my car.
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
just tried to scoop ice cream with a steak knife. now in the emergency room with a the cab diver and the drag queen he picked up on the way. its gonna be a loooong day.
I checked her ID this morning. Lets just say...she's older than my mom
You don't get to call me bro after you've had your dick in me.
why is there a dog in my house with your initials shaved in it's fur?
dude, i just woke up in a house i've never seen. i have bigger problems
Afterwards I drank a whole bottle of cake vodka in the bathtub while he was bawling his eyes out. Hands down weirdest hookup I've ever had.
You thought her boot was a stray dog in your house..
But we have bathrooms and they dont
I am texting my ex and my future boyfriend while eating fish and chips with my current boyfriend... How and when did I become such a terrible person???
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