Yeah well I just ate cereal out of a muffin pan with a fork. I'll flip a coin as to who has to tackle that pile of dishes we've neglected for 3 weeks.
Just made out with the bride... She was still in her dress & I was still in my bridesmaid dress, how's that for an album picture?!?
His band may suck, but it's not like I'm sleeping with all of them.
I'm hoping he'll tell everyone how great in bed I am. Well, how great in bathroom floor I am.
Just woke up from a dream where you lived in a gingerbread house on a snowy cliff by the sea. The dolphins were swimming away from a giant dust storm. You REALLY ought to smoke this before bed tonight.
took off my bra and popcorn fell out of it. im gonna puke at this wedding...
She is the absolute last thing I would want to screw. Honestly. Fellating a porcupine. Higher on the list.
I don't give a shit if she's homeless, if you're gunna live outside el pollo loco and act like a bitch I'm squirting you with my water bottle
Why did you send me 12 pictures in a row of your expressionless face at 2:30 am?
me + whiskey = a bad person
I'm currently sitting beside my brother who is taking a bath and feeding him nachos while he covers his genitals. If that's not sibling bonding then I don't know what is
My walk of shame wasn't complete until I projectile vomited clutching my truck bumper while he just smiled with that look of regret.
I'm spring cleaning all of the fuck boys out of my life.
He played me Kanye.. Speaking my love language.. He got a well deserved BJ
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
Randomize
