You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
During sex he wiggled his hips and said "I'm turning the ice cream" Deal breaker?
Just because we buy weed together doesn't mean were a couple
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I can't believe I had to convince you to not drink butter.
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
Brownies hit. And just found beer. And the bill cosby show is on. And its in spanish.
Do you remember peeing in the sink while I was throwing up?
No ma'am, I do not. I found a video of us trying to do a trust fall though. Emphasis on the trying.
He tried to make small talk to hide the fact that he was struggling to unhook my bra... at least he tried right?
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And also the fact that I woke up sandwiched between two gay men is probably fueling my day
Yes, bail money means jail. It also means lie to dad, do it now.
Someone left a middle school yearbook here. I recognized one kid from banging his mom last year.
IT WAS JUST SO LITTLE AND AWKWARDLY FLOPPING BACK AND FORTH
Afternoon delight is playing while I take a shit at mcdonalds
Guess who won a basket of sex toys in front of his parents, aunts, uncles, sister, and cousin...
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