Ambien. No doubt about it.
Gonna be late. Someone jumped in front of our train.
The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
they started a semi-successful rumor that toby keith died. who says fraternities don't have goals
i think the date started going downhill when i mentioned how many therapists i have
Two bottles of champagne and half a pizza later, I'm crying myself to tears watching The Nanny. Happy finals week.
Something's wrong. Everything's on fire. Unless it was like that before. Then everything's alright.
I would just like to point out that someone I had sex with drove me so I could have sex with you. I deserve some type of "most loyal booty call ever" award.
The last thing I remember was riding in a grocery cart with two strangers while a cop pushed us
There's a woman at the bar holding a baby with one arm and doing shots of GM with the other. The baby is crying. I have lost faith in humanity.
I should have listened to my dad and mean girls... If you have sex you'll get pregnant and die.
Write this down so you can tell me in the morning. "That bartender needs to be in my mouth."
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
Why did you have to tell me he has a hammer cock? Now I can’t stop staring at his pants.
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