that cunt stole my fb status. SHE'S NOT THAT FUNNY
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
i caught the condom in my mouth.. dont ask me how
God, you're like boner-b-gone
You are just a treasure cave of fabulous alcoholic ideas.
My drug dealer is making me hot tea during the snowstorm...I'm a fan.
Target doesn't accept your signature for your credit card if you draw a dick on the pad. Even of your name is Richard.
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
Worrying about "What smells like cat pee?" is so much easier than worrying about "What am I doing with my life?"
I actually just took 17 pictures of some guy at the gas station that needs to marry me now
What, I can't laugh at my sister being driven crazy by Facebook randomly assigning chat significance to the guy she lost her virginity to?
I swear every time I see him he's either dancing or trying to touch people
DO NOT FUCK YOUR ENGAGED GAY NEIGHBOR!
He hit me with his bagpipe
Isnt that against the lesbian handbook?
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
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