I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
It was like my butthole was peeing. Felt comforting yet not fulfilling.
Last night was epic. Hooked up with Emma Watson, found twenty bucks, and then passed out on my floor.
No you didn't. You drank unbelievable amounts of 151, passed out in someone else's bathroom, and we carried you back to your floor. Nice dreams though.
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call.
and now that ive poetically compared your vagina to a nuclear missile, I hope youre prepared for this date.
Uhm; your sign says 'Welcome to KFC' and for some reason I can't seem to open the door.
Cut a hole in the crotch of my onesie so we could have sex without me getting cold. Best decision of my life.
my mom just said "if you had sex with someone you don't really like I'm going to be so mad at you" HOW DOES EVERYBODY KNOW
we're the same shoe size and he owns more pairs of heels than i do. this could be the beginning of a beautiful friendship
I still think it's strange your mom saw me 93% naked with a Santa hat on and a raging boner. Tis the season right?
This time last year I was crying in a church parking lot without shoes or a bra, so the years can only go up from here
I tried to suck your dick underwater and almost drowned
I had Mac n cheese made with weed butter last night. Epic
so you might not believe this but he made a powerpoint. and gave you a 3.5/10.
Randomize
