I can't get in trouble, i'm smoking a bong in the office right now
i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
Right now im sitting at home and all i can think about is im eating calories and i should be out drinking them.
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
I went back up to the apartment to get her phone and when I came back she was peeing on the sidewalk
i wont go near him until the smell goes away , and he takes the chex mix box off his head.
apparently he's bringing me two things i like. he said one was him and i'm assuming the other one is his penis
Well that's another check off the sexual bucketlist of things I never wanted to experience.
Okay so for future reference and your own safety I should probably tell you that it is not cranberry juice in that bottle on the kitchen table.
you were holding her above your head singing Circle of Life in what i assume was a Simba reference. then she smacked her head on a bar light and the bouncers kicked you out
The three of us were sitting silently in my dining room at 4:30 am, half drunk, eating cold spaghetti and listining to death metal. I need a fucking cigarette.
I'm in the smoking section between a transvestite molly dealer and a group of juggalos. I shouldn't be that hard to find.
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
Hold on I'll be right there, I can't find my arm.
Randomize
