remember that night we drank a bottle of vodka and went to mcdonalds and ordered everything on the dollar menu, twice?
we can't do that now- first b/c they got rid of that menu and 2 b/c we are broke now. damn this recession.
Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
Whenever I said your name you screamed polo and did another shot.
We shouldn"t be alone together
you didn"t say that yesterday
you weren't married yesterday
my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
i was surprised by the severity of his small dick condition
I don't want to talk about it but I will say, that was the best two headed $68 blowjob. Ever.
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
I have an epic ass bruise from a wheel tonight and I am drunk now because I decided vodka heals all wounds.
See,its just the last time this situation happened I ended up hiding in a closet on my birthday
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
In case I die. I'm in ares truck with a bartender named Dave from chuys. JUST IN CASE. And let the people know my last words were suck my dick. My like literally.
They cut me off when I tried to pee in the corner of the bar.
i spent most of my hangover doing the math to figure out the last of the alcohol would be metabolized from my system.
thank you pre-med degree.
Don’t eat the Doritos. Jeff was eating them while he was watching porn
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