I asked my mom, she said yes...but you have to shower with grandpa.
I really super glued a paper bow tie to my body last night. I need to do less drugs.
You fed me milk from the beer bong because you thought it would "Sober you up" .
I'm questioning the dried chocolate syrup on my tits.
Okay Im going to go have some sex apparently. I hope this chick is prepared the zero effort Im going to put into it.
Would you feed me pudding while my fake tan dries?
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
I wish we knew morse code and could knock to each other through the wall
Last night you snap chatted some chick a pic of bottle service with the caption "send tits"
Just convinced a housekeeper at work to set up her 401k. Gotta start hittin the gb every morning before work. Happy 420
I JUST BROKE A NAIL MASTURBATING. WTF I could even enjoy my orgasm bc now I'm gonna have to spend $50 on my nails.
And I woke up by myself with peanut butter.. Cool
cmon you know I'm perfectly capable of something that ridiculous 100% sober
Throwing my sister a bisexual bachelorette party was the best idea ever. I made out with both strippers and the hot bartender promised to "gay marry" me if I take him as my date to the wedding.
you told us the chicken was mocking you, then proceeded to explain that every time someone reads your mind you accidentally think of something sexual
Randomize
