I dont kno what was worse. Waking up 2 a guy next to me thinking I got blackout or realizing it was your boyfriend.
8:17pm: So, How was fun day?
1:15am: So I just woke up in my bed in my bathing suit... I don't remember getting into bed or dinner or anything after slip n slide that happened around five... I'd say fun day was a success
I'm in love with you.
huh?
Don't be nervous. I'm just saying - if you had a dick, I'd suck it.
My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
He told me he finished so fast because he's a sprinter. I hate athletes who are really just pussies.
The bathroom is trashed. Someone took down all the rings of the shower curtain and Scott threw up on the curtain liner. All the soap and shampoo is in the guest bedroom and the lightbulbs are in a drawer. And there are vom footprints.
I swear this guy grew up in land without leagues. someone should inform him he's way out of mine
Trying to guess which perfume the stripper was wearing based on my bf's clothes
He just sent me a picture of me icing a cake with a butcher knife topless.
Putting all my energy Into finding a polite way to ask my mailman to fuck me in his car.
No night ever ends well that starts with "you know what this needs? More tequila".
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
and than he said 'I did amateur porn for a while' and I just knew tinder did not fail me this time
How likely is it that we can see each other tomorrow night? I want to shave my legs in good faith but it's cold outside and my bathroom is drafty.
That is priceless. You walk into her house, fuck her husband and demand Chinese food. Your an inspiration to us all.
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