no morals, dignity, or self respect ... just an empty condom wrapper and a facebook request
I hope I don't blackout because this is awesome!
I faked it too. I just spit on your bed.
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
You've got more to offer than just money. Come on. You have an awesome rack.
I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
I haven't been this hungover since you found me laying in front of your door gagging with pepto bismal tablets scattered around me
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
I just took a shot out of my supervisors unzipped jeans. Our staff parties are getting a little too personal
It's titled "A countdown to death. A psychological look at the downward spiral of actress Lindsay Lohan and her inevitable Hollywood demise" This dissertation is genius. Not a single sober moment for either Lindsay or myself. Good stuff!
sorry like um she made me hold her puke bag while she peed in front of me is that better
How was the party last night?
I'm dangerously close to shitting myself.
Have you ever come so hard that right after you have the urge to yell "make me a sandwich!"? ...I think my ovaries turned into testicles.
I just got winded making my bed. How do you think the workout plan is going?
You know you gave a quality blow job when you have to ice your neck and jaw the next day.
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