I got everything I ever gave her back, every picture, and money for the dog. I didn't want it she brought it all back and gave it to me. clothes jackets, pictures, dried flowers, ear rings, necklace...
Sell it on ebay and let's go to the bar
I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
she asked me what the final straw was. i had to tell her i caught him jerking off to digimon porn. i don't know what i'm more upset by, that he was masturbating to cartoons, or that he was masturbating to sub-par cartoons
I have your dog in a headlock. Se wants my mushrooms.
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
Please be advised that because of last year's "incident" we will no be starting St. Pat's day with spicy breakfast burritos and car bombs. Please plan accordingly.
Dave used his AAA card to get my car towed to my house so I could get drunk. Evil genius.
I consider my hand a solid 5. So if I'm dipping below a 7.5, I might as well go with old faithful.
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
Once again, marijuana saves me from going to jail
A bitchslap is in order.
Dude I'm drinking alone and watching cartoons. How is it that someone as hot as me is doing this.
I sent him a blank text because I didn't want to "drunk text" him.
whose shirt was i wearing?
his little sister's
what was she wearing
a feather boa and 6 inch heels
Randomize
