If you really hate me that much, you need to stop letting me put my penis inside of you. It sends the wrong message.
he told me my vagina needed a tic tac
I don't know what kind of drugs you were on last night but you kept trying to highlight my face because you said I was important
Had to have a serious talk with my liver and remind it that it is my birthday weekend and there are three more nights like last night ahead of us
Just when I think I'm the one with the problem, I get home for the holidays and the family shows me what alcoholism is really about
That girl gave me her number because you were arrested. I am so proud of you dude.
I'm hoping that banging a 24 year old 3 times cancels out banging that freshman on Wednesday
I really gotta be careful. My email inbox is equal parts notifications from instructors and this dude's dick. If I get drunk and reply to the wrong thing I might get kicked out of grad school.
Ripped lines in the bathroom before my presentation.. Got bonus marks for my enthusiasm.. This is why I love drugs
I'm staying in tonight, it's my Christmas present to my liver.
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
Dad and I are shitfaced screaming at Canadians in Walmart. Life is good.
Last night you found an onion ring in your fries and then you started singing "A Moment like this"
the worst fight me and my gf ever had was over Guy fieri
He shit with the door open. I think that means we are in a realtionship.
Randomize
