dude you need to get laid
me?
no, the other guy who hasn't been laid in 7 months
oh I thought you were talkin about me
wait
I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
Helping a hot freshman girl move in = 2 hours of my life One bottle of cheap vodkas = $10 Watching her do the walk a shame on her first morning away from home = Priceless
yes, the chronicles of narnia is exactly what happens when you do crack inside of a wardrobe.
How do you get eyebrow wax out of your butthole region?
The fact that you aren't ashamed to ask that is the reason I will give you the answer. Under the sink there is a bottle of wax remover. Throw my waxing kit away as well.
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
Which is worse rug burn on your nipples or laying there after wondering how long you have to cuddle before you can sneak away?
I never thought the first time a taser would be used on me would be at an applebees
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
A dry HJ only, please. I don't deserve the comforts of lube after my horrendous fantasy football performance
Someone brought brownies to work and I was skeptical to eat one then I remembered I was at work and there is no way there is weed in them. Haha I'm blaming you for that.
I've found my soulmate with the cardboard Dos Equis man.
He told me I remind him of his ex girlfriend but in a better more advanced way..
we didn't even throw knives this time! it was just the carrot peeler
I had more orgasms than hours of sleep this weekend. I’m going to keep him around a while
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