So I thought I was slick leaving his room this morning all incognito. Little did I know I was wearing his football jersey with his name across the back... stilettos & my bra was left behind. never seeing that again
Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
He just reenacted his orgasm in front of my roommates....using a squeeze bottle of mayonnaise.
idk. I was on the deck with Dominic and i felt something weird on my arm. I looked down and you were licking my elbow.
This is stressing me out. I feel like I need to eat the dick.
That bitch makes my crazy look like a walk in the park with cotton candy
Shes 18 and still has a curfew. it was great. didnt have to worry about her still being here in the morning.
I found one of your hair extensions on the dance floor. You put it back in your hair
After sex he cried I didn't know what to do so I patted him on the back and went to the kitchen to make waffles
I'm high. The text bubbles floating do no justice to the underwater experiences
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
I just want you to know you're the worst sister ever.
If this is about me and your ex, it's not my fault she doesn't like men.
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
Im sitting on the floor of the hotel room eating nachos and drinking coffee. People should learn to embrace their hangovers
Randomize
