holy crap !! There is a MIDGET FAMILY in one of my rooms today !
How much trouble would you get into if you were to stomp down the hallway while loudly saying 'Fe Fi Fo Fum...'
You know your in college when you decide house chores with games of beer pong...
I couldnt decide if i wanted to pee first or vomit. So i Peed sideways while throwing up into the tub.
someone made her a trophy at 4 in the morning and presented it to her in the bathtub
We talk about tequila and blow jobs the way that normal people talk about the news and the weather.
As a general rule, drunkenness and gymnastics do not mix.
dreams really do come true on the roof and drinking again
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
Just burnt my nuts with a cigarette. Don't ask. I hate life.
Still dying that you shit outside
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
we've never stayed at a party for more than an hour. we always end up at a pizzaria. by ourselves. with no friends.
what else are best friends for?
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
We keep making plans but he keeps getting arrested. Such a tease
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