I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
Zach says you can't see his penis until after we're married...not sure why?! Bt then he said he thinks maybe you already have on the wild animal night!
Last night I got a napkin with 4 names & numbers: Katie, Ellen, Kylie...and Brandon.
Just seen a scantily clad pirate with 2 36 packs of natty ice on a bike riding with no hands. If she doesn't hit a speed bump she's golden and should be on the next Americas got talent.
I didn't realize I was holding it, until I was like, "whose baby is this?"
So I'm drinking wine and watching Thumbelina
I'm teaching my cat to play fetch
Yep, it's a friday
I have stripper ass cheeks all over my glasses
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
I mean, I love her. But not "I'll have a threesome with her." Type of love.
Like the fear of satan was put into my heart when I saw him put that sandwich on the WOODEN BENCH
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
Sorry for throwing up in your humidifier last night, I thought it was some sort of electrical garbage can
Not my lover. I would rather lose all my teeth, and I fucking love my teeth.
what happened last night?!
you took a shot and then laid down on our kitchen table and passed out.. then when we tried to move you to the couch you screamed "no! i love tables"
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
Randomize
