chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
i just know my balls have never hurt this bad before
I woke up on a futon in some strangers house. They were eating pizza and told me everything was going to be fine.
i just rememebered i spent like 5 minutes on the ground warming some chicks toes.
I'm fucking an ugly guy. Don't come home.
well now I have to
Wanna go watch Transformers and scream "AMERICA!"? I need a no thought activity
You said your legs stopped working and then pulled yourself around the floor with your hands.
That explains the wood chips stuck in my nipples.
I woke up on top of his counter next to a pot of boiling water and an empty package of ramen... what happened to the ramen, we will never know.
This guy on the bus keeps leaning over and sniffing my hair.
ever since I turned 21 the mother-daughter bonding sessions always end with whiskey and my little pony. I don't know why, it's just a thing that happens
I am naked and annoyed.
Honestly who turns down a free blowjob?
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
Bring vodka when you get back from court.
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
Randomize
