the shit that comes out of a woman's mouth when she knows you can't hit her is fucking unbelieveable
it was like fucking with batman, he had gadgets i never even imagined
yeah that always happens. i'm like the where's waldo of parties. i never even know where the fuck i'm at.
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
I would lick a homeless mans crack teeth for a cup of coffee right now.
Hon, I found you crying into a bathrobe in the back of a closet with a broken shoerack.
If you get home and there is an older woman there, its my mom. She wants to come and see the place after work. Just an FYI. Not the older sluts I bang.
Really stoned me is having a very serious, intent conversation with my mom about egg rolls and koolaid flavors.
I've never heard "I will drown your mother in vanilla pudding" as an insult before, and then last night happened.
It was Thanksgiving sex. I was thankful for it. Need I say more?
She touched my penis and started laughing. She did the same thing when she blew me.
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
Wait I can't come yet Mr. Brightside is playing
ok i defs just took my shirt off in the middle of a frat party though so keep me updated
He is in my tree wearing full on scuba gear ... Get here asap.
I can’t tonight. I’ve got to see about a penis
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