Masterbating to gospel music is like god cheering on your orgasm
Trying to figure out if I'm the second dude she hooked up with yesterday. I feel like a consolation prize
I'm pretty sure we got the cab driver deported
My mom and dad are smoking a joint while lecturing me on what to bring and how to act in Europe. I'll finish this glass of wine and head over.
i wanted to ask her what his dick looked like but i thought that would be weird for the first time i met her
I still love him regardless of his misguided forays into heterosexuality
I just got peed on. This karma circle is starting to get vicious.
For the first time ever I'll be using my lunch break to pass out cold on my desk. We've gotta stop having these late night drinking things on Sundays
I cannot believe he got soft mid fuck. I just hope he bought that horrible impression you did of my dad. I love you though, you came in clutch tonight.
It was the least I could do after throwing up in your purse.
I watched her follow him out of the bar, chase him around the corner and literally throat punch him. It was awesome.
That's not a funny feeling. That's hepatitis. You got it from that bar where everything was sticky.
Remind me to tell you how I've been deaf since Sunday at 1245
I'm watching Netflix with my cats and eating homemade bread. Everyone and everything can go and fuck itself.
I have 3 vacation days left and I'm guarding them like a gay dragon on a pile of gold dildos molded after celebrities.
Smaug the FABULOUS
Is texting an old booty call with "can you still get your ankles behind your ears?" an appropriate way to reemerge into the singles scene???
Randomize
