im spending all my christmas money on new years parafanalia aka things I will ingest or lose by the next morning
I want to apologize 3 days in advance for what's about to take place on St. Patrick's day.
It's been a wonderful constant drunkeness. We played Marco polo with some random like 8 yr olds in the kiddie pool.
She kept saying the tortilla understood her. I honestly don't know where she found a tortilla at the pool.
Don't make it weird, I don't think about you when I'm climaxing, it's just that I see you rooting me on.
I found a fingernail in my vagina. A fingernail.
I'm all for hockey players but dude, he asked me to lick his chipped tooth mid-hook up.
You forget how awesome toilet paper is until you have to wipe your ass with a piece of notebook paper...
I think its awesome that i just got you to cheer for sex
Well sex is awesome. Sex deserves cheers.
I just got my evaluation. My manager told me he hated my guts and pretty much wanted to stab me in the face. Then he gave me an "exceeds expectations" on pretty much everything and a raise.
You don't have to have sex with both if us but I would like a little positive fucking regard.
Oh, I also stabbed a guy Friday and he still asked me out
Also, next time I go get a wax, I'm gonna ask the girl about the innie to outie ratio she sees on the daily.
Please tell me im imagining that i claimed that i was king of the ducks.
You chased a rabbit then knocked on a police car and asked the cop "if he saw where that little bastard went."
Randomize
