just got drunk at a party with Christmas themed solo cups.. holidays are officially here.
Thanks for stopping me from doing a one man keg stand by myself clad in only a towel. that probably wouldve ended badly.
sometimes i wish i was a boob, they get to chill in soft and cuddly little cup things.
He taught me how to drive a stick by using his dick. He even made the whurrrr noise so I knew when to change gears.
I feel like a great embryo-shaped weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
He just made a mudslide using rubinoff and swiss miss packets. This can't end well....
Just found a hole in my wall with your left shoe in it.
You went from loaded cattleman, to football player, to better football player, to art major from Missouri. Your future was looking so good for a while.
I think I explained what happened in the voicemail. But I think I might have just cried and ranted about how cool osiris shoes are
Her boyfriend only talks to me because I know her period schedule
hand shaped bruises on both boobs again....i wish i could say this is the first time.
On a scale of one to america, how free are you this weekend?
I can't help that I bring out the sex in people
I walked in describing her boobs thinking I was talking to you only to hear dad say 'I remember when your moms were like that'. ALWAYS tell me when they get home early. Always
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
Randomize
