Whatever it was. it was pregnant.
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
A-plus on my thesis. I deserve the blowjob to end all blowjobs. And I wanna wear a crown while you do it.
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
This is the weirdest negotiation ever.
This is what happens when two people with zero shame try to argue.
happy find a boyfriend by next Valentines Day. Its like a new years resolution but depressing
I am self-sufficient. I puked in a wine glass and emptied it in the trash. Points for style and neatness
his version of basketball was throwing hot sauce packets down my cleavage at taco bell at 2 am with his buddy.the cashier kept score
Bone him for me, BONE HIM TWICE FOR ME.
Its mothers day, andI woke up with 12 bar stamps on my face, holding orange juice and a box of tampons. This can not be happening
The best thing about this time of year is that all I have to do is add a random mardi gras decoration to my cart full of alcohol and boom, no more judging
What happened?
New Orleans
Every time
Wow. Ok who would waste Game 7 ticket on kids?!
Poor parenting at its best
I told my mom that I was just gonna go check the mail. It's been 19 hours, and I woke up in a hot tub covered in chocolate, with a text from her sayin "have fun sweetie"
everything I love is going to destroy me, so if coconuts are the answer, so be it.
Randomize
