i chose cheese fries over sex for the third time this week.
i'm listening to "transmissions" by The Tea Party from like '97 and waxing my legs. fuck i'm awesome in my alone time
I have a masturbator in my 5th grade class. the teacher told me ever since they caught him humping the desk in 2nd grade, they haven't been able to control him. he's even on medication but he will just do it in class
sorry for the blank pocket text. My penis obviously has nothing to say to you.
Why did 20 jello shots in a row sound like a good idea last night?
Listen. I'm a changed woman. I have no problem using him for sex.
I found him with a guitar and his kitten in his room. He was singing a song he'd titled "you're a cat". Guess what most of the lyrics were...
He pulled his pants down and said blow me, while passing out on my bed. I then pulled his pants up as he continuously started moaning in the background.
I did the walk of shame wearing his scrubs. Fucking med school students is the way to go.
The last time I saw you, you were rolling around on the ground at the bar.....
.....well it was bound to be an interesting night since I was chasing my pulls with pulls....
I will never in my life forget you letting the cat lick your tongue
You'll love it there. Trust me. Cheap tequila, pretentious beer, tall white guys who will treat you badly. Its got everything you like.
Sitting across the table from one of my high school teachers who hasn't seen me since I was about 16 drinking a beer wearing a leotard
Hey do u remember the time we used my mascara wand as a drink stirer?
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
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