I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
I'm pretty sure his head is too big to fit between my legs. Worthless.
Im gonna name my vag after egypt, "the valley of kings"
Don't really want to talk about it. You were right. She had a whole jar of toenail clippings on her nightstand that she chews on "when her fingernails are too short." Direct quote.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Im already sauced. Have been for hours. Its kinda my thing.
Im def. not watching the CMAs. If Kanyes not gonna be there whats the point?
Just saw a picture of your new tub, cant wait to pee in it
They're sharing a mixed drink at a bar with straws...its like a disney movie with booze
I guess I could probably fit that in between deep self reflection and teenage mutant ninja turtles
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now Heβs Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just remembered that last night I ate nachos off of someone else's table with a stranger
Oh hey. I left my beer there. Beer is more important than my pride. I want to pick that up.
Like you haven't hit rock bottom until you have had to throw your own turd out a window
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
Hey man, he's too drunk to remember what you said. What drugs are we buying and when should we expect them?
I was supposed to see Marcus tonight and he cancelled. Listen, I shaved my butt hole. Somebody is getting this WAP ππππ
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