So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
Why am I drunk on a roof painting at 11 in the morning
decided to have an easter egg hunt this year. the golden egg has weed in it and all the others have shots of vodka. who said we were too old for easter?!?
so I'm coping with getting the "I'm not over my ex" bomb dropped on me by getting drunk and yelling at people while wearing a purple princess hat
I would say I am sorry for punching you last night, but I found the pictures you took on my camera and it all came rushing back.
All i'm saying is it doesn't matter how drunk you were, at 26 years of age you should always remember to take down you pants before you shit in the toilet
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
My mom just asked me if I can obtain a fake ID by thursday
Wait.....I ate a raw potato lastnight.
He just showed up on my porch naked with just a blanket and a trash bag
I left her alone for a few minutes and she's already using a guy on his hands and knees as a chair while another guy is serving her margaritas.
I wish there was a morning after pill for dominoes.
I chose not to drink last night but drinking chose me
Alex I've come up with a new medical condition. dick depression. it's a real thing and I have it
i may or may not have bought a plane ticket for a russian cam girl to fly here. also, can you spot me $300 on rent?
Randomize
