Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
I am not old enough to be running into past fucks at the bank. This is at least a twenty five year old milestone.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
apparently it was the return of drunk burrito sex.
She was either really drunk or really not interested. Everytime I tried to ask her about herself she would respond with a line from Stepbrothers.
Holy christ fuck what has my trainwreck of a life come to just blew a 17 year old so help me god
if I just puked into my own hand, but then cleaned it up quickly, quietly, and calmly, am I still a trainwreck?
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just told the sun to stop. That hungover.
In case you're wondering what I'm doing, I'll be banging an 18 year old this weekend. Repeatedly.
Why is there a traffic cone in the shower? And did you wash it with my body wash? It smells nice.
went back to my college bar last night. Bar tender doesn't remember my name but remembers me as margarita girl...I'm not even mad though
He made me pay for half of dinner. Fucking feminist revolution.
Do you think it's my receding hair line that makes all the milfs attracted to me??
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