Best porno line to date...."drinks are on me..." while she female ejaculates into a wine chalice
They should really pass out barf bags in church
I want him to get the hint. I sent 4 texts that only said "sex."
Im drunk and they're making me play quiet game. Im scared. Baptists are here
i wish i had the videos of us pissing on him last night.
No, I'm in the bathroom trying to scrub off the 16 tally marks on my wrist so its not so obviously to the world that I puked on a couch last night.
I woke up with cheeseburger in my mouth and a deep sense of accomplishment.
You can't start the super bowl without starting a kitchen fire making cole slaw. Its unamerican.
I don't even want to know
after she rolled over and said 'i'm so glad you're like my gay best friend, love you' then left. did i just get friendzoned AFTER sex??
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
I responded with "neat-o burrito" to his SEXT...he tried so hard and I just panicked.
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
The next morning I found her spread eagle asleep on the living room floor and he was asleep with his head in her crotch. I needed a ride and had to wake them up.
Let's not forget that we had sex on the ground in public tonight.
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
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