just cut a line with my blood donor card...i feel like it will help remind me that i was once a productive member of society.
still haven't packed clothes. only wine. gotta love spring break
Can you call him, he said something about going to the balcony to pee and now hes texting me saying hes lost
I have officially made out with every girl you've made out with, even the random you met on the Mexico flight
Ideas for halloween. We need simple yet hilarious. Cheap yet effective. Slutty yet acceptable. Go.
I have reached the point in my life where I realized this is what I'm going to do for the rest of my life. Eat, shit , bar, drink, drank, drunk.
He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
I just got a huge discount at GameStop for having tits. I win.
Nothing says "I mean business" like using a cart at the liquor store.
you slapped the bag of goldfish out of her hands and screamed, "BITCH THIS AINT NO AQUARIUM". That's how fucked up
I stopped his blowjob to raise 3 fingers & whistle the hunger games tune to the people walking past the window
I knew my bag made it because I could smell the fireball that spilled inside of my suitcase before it was on the luggage carousel.
The only time we had a decent conversation was when he was on acid, and, like, that's not a great start to a relationship.
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
She had a toddler. It threw up and then some guy said party foul and put it on the porch. Going back next Friday.
Randomize
