Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
The smartest thing I've heard Obama do is call Kayne West a jackass
I'm full of awesome ideas
Yesss you are. Im full of confusion. I keep finding peanut butter on my legs...
I'm masturbating to football. This is why I get guys and you don't
and now that ive poetically compared your vagina to a nuclear missile, I hope youre prepared for this date.
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
okay, please tell me Cammy is the one who put the picture and note on my desk saying "beat off to this homeboy"
I woke up on karas dogs bed. Lets evaluate our lives.
I CRIED after phone sex. Am I gay?
So apparently I ended up throwing my clothes in the toilet after getting kicked out of TQ and ran around the neighborhood in my boxers. Works gonna suck hard once this hangover kicks in. Also: I lost a shoe so looks like flipflops for the rest of winter
I played "in the air tonight" on a drum set made of titties, and I'm not even exaggerating
The cop left me alone after I gave her my spare snow cone. It was a hot and humid day and that uniform looked stuffy. Yay stoner me for overindulging in icy treats.
Apparently I missed the "You may have to jack off a horse" part of the application.
Three Decembers later, I'm looking at this fuckin Santa lingerie I bought and just realized my stocking never got stuffed....
WHAT KIND OF DEALER ONLY WORKS FRI-SUN???
Ours, apparently.
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