Did I get blown in the bathroom? Yes. Did she throw up cranberry juice on my shorts? Yes. Did she finish the job? Yes.
He told me he was a psychology major, and I responded by asking him where he hid his vagina.
I'm taking this break up pretty rough.. I've never been to sad to masturbate.
You told me that you only walk into walls because it makes the room stop spinning.
Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
He has to watch his girlfriends kitten. Even when she is in Vegas, her pussy keeps him from getting into mine.
Hillary is trying to make pickle pops with vodka and sell them to kids at the ball park.
i wish it would rain vodka just once. i have not puked yet bring it on
Who was the girl that woke me up at 4am to tell me "there's an emergency, we need you to come smoke weed"
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
UGH FUCK THIS TRAFFIC I WANNA SUCK A DICK
In other news, I just threw up my burrito and am currently on all fours literally crawling back to my bed
Dollars spent: $83, Girls kissed: 4, Girls slept with:2, Girls currently making me breakfast: 1, Fucks given: 0
We're starting to light shit on fire, bring a metal bucket. Be prepared, Jimmy's off his meds.
This is going to be so stupid, but do you feel the calluses on my hands when I give you a handy?
Randomize
