I wish I was a guy so I could jack myself off anytime I wanted to
cruising supermarkets, asking random people where i can get weed. fuck alaska
you're the only person i know to use "jizz" and "cute" in the same sentence.
Getting drunk now, but later remind me to tell you how to crash an 8th grade grad party.
I just took my friends on a tour of all the places I've had sex in my house. I dont know if that's more slutty, or the fact that it took 2 hours to complete..
I've only been home four days and my parents' cleaning lady already wrote down the number to AA and told me she's praying for me.
I think I used your jacking off shit when I showered. I couldn't see shit, it was all oily. Fuck power outages
Life is too short to have fake orgasms.
i was completely deserted.. so i stood outside starbucks for 20 minutes trying to convince the employees to open early and take care of me.. fuck you guys
"Wait, who's gun did I have?" Moments when you re-examine your life choices.
She said we "made love." I had to explain to her that when both parties agree that the first time time they have sex both people agree to video tape the whole thing its not "making love" but more like random good time fun sex.
This guy punched out a light, puked in the sink, stole the mailbox, then tried to tell ME that I had to leave the party... Then his dog shit on the floor.
Noo.... Like in the attic of a crack house with nitrous and fat chicks weird....
You're not married and none of these idiots are committing to you so whore it up on whore island
Can we go to pirate hooker whore island then
hey can you come unlock the basement door? I'm trapped in here.
no I can't, you're a safety hazard. but, there's a beer keg down there somewhere. we don't have cups, but help yourself.
Randomize
